Friday, May 27, 2011

I love my misreads

on another blog I saw...

Assholes... it is Friday... and life is good!

that isn't what was written but it is what my mind wanted to read. so there you have it...

Assholes, it is Friday and life is good.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

woke up today with a massive headache - from a tenseness in the shoulder region, bridging into the neck region.
this is always an ominous start to the day - I prefer sex dreams which are always an auspicious start to the day.
Although waking with a massive erection is a bit of trouble and waiting for it to subside usually results in falling back to sleep.

today I am mostly waiting for the headache to mend and trying to figure a way out of doing the dishes.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

the bells in the chapel sounded

do you love me.

I found god, the devil, narcotics and heaven in situ.

areas close to the Grimsvotn volcano were plunged into darkness.

and the day passed without further recourse, without further comment.

Monday, May 16, 2011

back to writing but feel there needs to be something new. Some other aberration to full the void of the quintessential. 

entropy is perpetually resolute.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

people ain't no good

so much pain in these past days - finally I took four times the prescription to be able to sleep - awoke in the middle of the night and made love to my wife, hobbled around the house for a cigarette after and fell back to sleep. Drug induced sleep is never restful but that wasn't the point, it was to escape pain, escape teeth breaking clenched jaws and now I am having slight hallucinations and still in incredible pain.
Once asked how I would define the last four years of my existence - what one word to sum it all, everything I've learned, everything I'd experienced -- all I could say was not love although the love thrust upon me from my wife was extraordinary - pain was what my lips couraged up. Pain has defined my existence for now four and a half years, barely controlled rage from said pain and narcotics and it's not like I get high, it's not like I can enjoy the crippling addiction to opiates, narcotics and sympathetic nerve control medications, I cannot enjoy the shaking hand and hallow feel ebb away once the drugs take effect, I cannot enjoy the simplicity of walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

I try to not complain.


today and yesterday and the day previous has been an experience of bordering on going to the hospital for a near lethal amount of Dilaudid.
but pain is loud and I cannot scream through its cacophonous discombobulation.

Monday, May 9, 2011

power to us whores! our form of proletariat prostitution need no pimp!

I once had a heart

I have a love

power to us whores! our form of proletariat prostitution need no pimp!

I once had a heart

Love regards people as mystics, casting their powers of future perception against another torrid lovers premonition.
The diseased mind finally discovers the secret of happiness but it is not accepted so it makes those practicing it miserable.
dreamt last night about playing an electric guitar with heavy use of the tremolo bar, making the strings ride against the fret board, I've tried this many times and have been unable to produce the sounds the dream tells me I want.
the medication levels the mind while making it harder to express these same thoughts. though the end product may be better, it is harder. Four daily medications make the writing better, the sex better, and anger better.
also, they make the moments of staring into apace more profound in quality, more consistent in quantity.
I can hear song birds congregate next door where we've recently placed a bird feeder. It is always easier to give away things that require upkeep then try to have them around your property, like said bird feeder or pets.
the reemergence of insanity lost me most of my friends but those that stayed get to enjoy the cure. Ironically they became my friends before the psychosis went into remission and left when it came out of remission.
I am not lost without them.
I am simply unburdened of them and their troubles.

I've decided to end this one by saying, _________________.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

last night intertwined with pain - all night and this morning. I've set myself to sedentary after making breakfast for my lovely wife. There aren't enough pain killers to make it vanish or even forgettable, often I dream of blowing a hole through the center of my thigh to necessitate its removal. I am told this will not end the agony that is my existence.
I try to not complain because after four and a half years - who's listening?

On other fronts: looking around at sandboxes that sell for unbelievable amounts of money I've decided to make one - I'll save 200 usd on the cheap side and far more on the nicer side. It'll take an afternoon of playing with my power tools where hopefully I don't end up with another gash in my hand.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

The bastards that make up most of my nighttime dreaming are ever present and on edge.

Imagine a well armed poet ambling down the street at night looking for his angry fix.

you now have a picture in mind of yours truly.

snapshots of life are moments gone by, how not to dwell when they adorn the walls of houses and bedroom nightstands?

All the cats in the house are trained by an alarm clock to know when it is time to eat - this is the morning. In the afternoon and evening - it is the coffee grinder. We have Pavlov's cats because I don't care for dogs.
Or rather, I haven't been able to love a dog since I had minekilled while in my arms.

the only thing I can ever tell you with confidence is that you will not live for 100 years. Even if you go about proving this wrong you will soon die of old age.

also, for further proof of God's sense of humor all one ever need do is look long into the mirror. not while on LSD or listening to enigma.

Friday, May 6, 2011

post Cinco de Mayo

After the intense celebration where I could be found only at my home with a massive headache that lasted the day and has driven me to be reflective and down today. May have been the night time dreaming or the ghost walking down the corridor that reaches to pet the dead grey cat who groans loudly in the night.
Today, flowers and slaughtered farm raised cattle.
there ought to be a law against me
walking down the street
special made shoes to correct gait and cane to fend off pavement when it comes rushing at me at terminal velocity.
Piano lessons tonight and we have been or practiced in three weeks. Death is the distraction that occupies my state of usual or unusual being.

In twenty minutes I am going to get my tractor and prepare it to mow the lawn, sharpen blades and I always think of sling blade, connect the deck and watch the birds eat the seed meant to green my lawn. There is nothing better than the green lawn on which we do not walk barefoot in worry of the raccoon leavings which can transmit ringworm.

don't you love my baby?

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

quatro de mayo

excessively well medicated right now and should be falling over asleep or sleep blogging but certainly not awake.

correction to yesterdays post about flying - it was four planes in 48 hours - 47 to be more precise. knocks the hell out of a person when it is not an accustomed commute.

eyes open and hearing the doors swing, footsteps and almost out of cigarettes - they never think of the mentally aberrant when they tax the hell out of cigarettes, or they think were too crazy to make rational decisions in which case they price them out of reach.

there's a little girl in the hall and I never know what to make of her.

I've smoked one brand my entire smoking career and now find myself switching to a slightly more expensive and slightly more imported brand. Nicer packaging and easier to store cartons.

This is hardly a reason to continue smoking.

a razors blade. one of the hands on my watch fell off, tumbling around behind the crystal attempting the clockwork.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

ah, I have a follower

Pleased to meet you here, what is a beautiful young lady like yourself doing hanging out in a place like this?

- hold on while I go slightly insane.

early morning and have yet to get enough sleep - still recovering from loss and jet lag - four planes in three days. Sounds like a lot when you put it that way - we were only going one way but had to have a layover, well, you follower know this - you were there - suffering the blight that is air travel. I was searched, as always, and put a pleasant expression on my face as I was being felt up by old men while thinking  - it must be the beard. But that wouldn't explain why I always get searched - even as a child going to Disney World before I was perceived as a terrorist in the eyes of a beard hating public and Will Ferrell. This is why I stopped carrying my Mala - too many questions and looks, since my imagination is good I can perceive always having one.

WHile we are on terrorism - I fear Osama's replacements zealousness more than I feared Osama.

Peace be upon all Muslims as I am sure they are getting more hell right now.

Monday, May 2, 2011

slept a full night last night - first time in a long time. Exhausted by emotion, exhausted by travel, exhausted by baring my soul, and dreaming.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

First post, new blog.

will link it later to current blog -

just wanted the name.